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Planning to jumping off a bridge, in 2024-11-23T17:21:00.000Z, just somewhere around that time.

What's the reason, you may ask. Well just bad luck spawning at wrong location, isn't it? Like I have social anxiety, really really bad. Interact with people I don't know or just know that they exist, not well-known, sweat af; always thinking about what does the other person think about me.

Asking for advice? Yeah I tried that, not work. Mental health idk, people don't care that much in here. Always the same for most people tho, except for one, close friend since 3 ? don't remember well, btw class not age. 6 -> 9 got disconnected, but reconnected when I get into high school. Actual difference, like it is more helpful, and not just saying, he actually do something for me. It is nice, but meh, too lazy, besides I can't rely on him after high school ends, which is great since my classmates know about my past, I'm just thinking, not sure tho.

Oh wait there is 2 more, or 3? Idk if the 4th person is still close or not, need time. Anyway the 2nd close friends, moved in at 8, still class not age. Barely worth noticing, but I do ? Correct me if I'm wrong, but that's all I could remember. Well he is caring? like having really good care about my emotional and can read my head, like what I'm thinking and help me get out of that safely without embarrassing; really thankful tho. Also he's the only one, who cares about birthday, which many don't care that much, even me, really don't know what to do, when his birthday come, or myself. Have to rely on him, still really nice. Wishing u will have a PC soon and can play with me, but since I'm dead at that time, can't do any tech related stuff to help him, after I borrow his laptop to code, preparing for the "excellent student contest" ? search it up and return this result, not that good in english, as I said in the title. Got good result, but at the last contest, I failed because of... IDK WHY THE FUCK THEY WON'T WRITE OUT THE RESULT FOR THOSE WHO HAVE FAILED, WHY? this is too dumb, fucking disrespect for those, as they can guess what did they have done wrong, and get better, fixing that mistake. How dumb are those creating these contest? Right now, I don't have any hope for the next contest, since I don't really know what's the mistake, what's the problem.... Nvm, myself won't change anything, let's just keep it that way, since nothing I have learn from school is useful anyway (a small % they do). Btw there is a fake ntoskrnl.exe which have a I not L. Enable hidden system file and hidden file and u will see it, in System32. Delete the task in Task Scheduler too, and you will be safe. I'm just thinking about it now, how he learned, and use the computer and stuff, it is good for now. Being his friend, I can safely leave now, know that he won't need my help with computer anymore and he can do it himself. Besides he has good English, just read the text and search it up, problem solved.

Third one, being close at 7 or 8, you know, class again not age (i want to write grade 8 but that doesn't sound natural, so I keep it this way). Scaring of me will install a virus or backdoor on his laptop, well I kinda want to, see what's he up to lmao, but nah not worth the effort. Always play with me, 9PM to 11PM, rarely changed, since he's always sleepy or not, he told me that, might be using his phone to messaging his gf, not exist now but wish you have soon, btw I also want a Spectator Mode in real life too, also has the ablity to read someone mind, see someone successful in their life, it is fun and I'm also jealous of them, but I will never get that..., anyway sometimes, he invited me for a ride, with him, at night, why ? I don't really know, but one time I'm having a bad day, he come and save me, almost make that 24/11 come closer, thanks, but no one can't make that further, tho. But how did he know??? He doesn't look like a person that could care about my mental health. Maybe he did it sliently, or just having luck, still, thanks. I can see it now, the bright future. When in Spectator Mode, I gonna pay attention to him, most of the time. Just finished writing about how 2nd friend are good with computer, 3rd isn't that good, and I'm really worrying about him, since he doesn't use a adblocker, therefore, Your_File_Is_Ready_To_Download.exe, Downloader.zip, {Game}.rar (64 KiB) will appear, and his PC will be infected. From my perspective, his personality almost the same as mine, just being more postive, and more caring, btw he has common sense, the thing that I don't have, which result in a lot of embarrassing moments, not just him but almost everyone.

4th one, well, he is somewhere around intro and extro "vert", can talk easily with anyone, but still have some, like avoiding camera, but not too serious tho, or avoiding crowd, can't forget to mention I'm learning how to acutally become normal from him, really helpful, thanks. But still, can't feel he's close to me, maybe he think that mental issue doesn't exist, and people can get over it easily, thinking depression == sadness, which is wrong. You can't never know what I'm actually dealing with, even the other 3, I haven't tell that exact, since I don't know how to describe it well, and again, this is my problem, I shouldn't ask for help, and I'm lazy too, so I can't take their suggestion that well, barely. There is another reason, that he won't put much effort in friends (it might be wrong, as this came from my selfishness, expecting people to help me out), maybe he's thinking that I'm not worthy, as I haven't done anything for him that much, I will try but really can't dig that deep, since he came from that class, u know what I'm saying? But well can't expect that much, I really need more time to understand him more. A little update that he's really serious, most of the time, sound angry tbh. Now I know that he's difference, never will be a close friend, since at this day, when we talk about the 26/3 event, he likes it, like a lot, and he try to push me, like with the one who have social anxiety, he push me to people, and do some activity which are bullshit and waste of time (as for me). Maybe he don't know, or he just don't put much of an effort into it, cause yeah why even care, this is my problem, not his problem. Fix myself, not asking people to fix me.

It is fun, learning how to code, how to make actually useful stuff that I'll never learn at school, playing games,... For real, it might be better than love, which is a thing that I don't deserve to have one, since I have this mental issue. I'm not gonna talk much about my love, since it is kinda embarrassing fr, people who know? well do whatever u want, but after I DIED. The origin, of how I got interested into coding: While playing around the desktop (grade 6, computer class), noticed a program called Free Pascal IDE, thought it was a batch script editor, I typed in some batch, was about to run it but the time has over. A few days later, I donwload it on my 2007 laptop, just to see what it can do. Learn some stuff on YT, but at that time, I haven't understand the basic, so I can only print and input, can't even assign it to a variable bruh. Seeing how it can do stuff for me without asking anyone, that generated motivation for me, like if you are too lazy to do a task that can be done manually for 5m, just take 10 hours automate it lmao; that seems wrong but like you were close to make something do the job for u, by just writing instruction.

Learning English somehow kinda easy, for me. When I was still a kid, learning it was too damn easy, but when I got into secondary school, it is much harder, but high school? hell nah not even a single braincell is used. And English is really important when you are learning how to code, since that make every documents feel like ur language, easy to understand, staright to the point. Also Math is useless, for real (don't know about A.I tho, I don't care much about that, but still know some basic). Same goes for algorithm, real-world app don't need that much.

Leaving my PC and my stuff there, not that comfortable. Still, I have bought something for myself using my lucky money and that 2.5m I made from creating the graph? idk what's that called. Migrating data back to the SSD is anonying tho, still have to do it, at least there might be something useful. About the Armbian server, my brother then. Talk about my brother, damn he is good, that's all I can say, like how tf did he get that much in life? anyway hoping he can learn some Linux to keep the server alive.

School is the real definition of hell when you have social anxiety - said by someone on yt comment section. It is true, totally. Trying my best to be hidden, not embarrassing myself in front of anyone, everyday, it is so hard, so I decided to give up. Getting high score not that worthy to me, since I'm dumb and too lazy to use a single braincells for those shit, like is that even gonna get used in real life? Also a big gender difference, too many girls, so fucking uncomfortable and hard to stay hidden since there is less boys and it is easy to me got chosen filling up a space, but also a good thing that they know about my past, and try to stay away from me, avoidng some scary events that the dumb school created. Also the mask... Most useful shit, can hide my emotions now, making me more hidden, both physically and mentally. Now I'm kinda throwing rn, at this time, nothing is important anymore, score not that useful. Damn throwing too much, I still have 7mth, can't be that soon, still too lazy and I can't feel any.

Loser, learned that from the owner of DCG discord server. 100% accurate. First thought it was just a joke, but it is true, and considering how much of a loser I am, I should be gone too. Btw today my parents told me to focus on studying for the middle exam, semester 2 (idk what to called it), while I was playing VALORANT with my duo and the one with some knowledge at computers, also have really high social skill, which makes him easily to enjoy life; really want to say that I don't want to try, anymore. Why even try when u are gonna jumping down a bridge anyway? People always says that don't sucide, think about ur parents, what they have done,...; the thing is, Who asked?, like yeah that make sense, but can u get out? can u feel what I have experience? can u feel the pain I have to suffer, for almost every fucking single day? Please just listen to them, alright? Most of the time, they want to be listen, not asking for opinion, as they have heard about it for a 100th time, you, no diff, please. Please just let me go, let me out, save me out of this social life, I can't do this anymore, please... Can they just fucking accept the truth? There is no fucking way to save anyone from suciding, most of the time it is, but for me, yeah no execption, why do you even think that I can be diff? Just let it go, try to fill up the role of them, or replace it with something else, we are all gonna dead anyway. Trying to reach immortal, life is not good, social is not perfect for everyone, so there must be someone logging out, or called suciding. Interesting lmao, anyway I have to sleep now, my stomach is really hurt, as I haven't eaten any breakfast, since grade 7 or idk (not all but sometimes I do eat, but that's rare).

Hacking. A topic that most people will think it is hard/easy. Find where to learn hacking is the hard part. I'm good at coding doesn't mean that I can hack, still I can but that's isn't right all the time, a small percent of them actually do. I won't talk much about this, since it won't be useful to anyone, and there is someone I have to protect from ?. Wish he could learn and get better, becoming an actual hacker, and white hat, i guess. And hack, it isn't DDoS, it is something else, more advanced than that.

Created an Interet Archive account today, storing my website on that should be good, or Github? I don't really know. Is my data useful? No but archving them make me feel I have done something useful tho.

Oh yeah, I haven't talked about anime and stuff, since I'm a weeb, maybe? Anyway, I'm watching Nisekoi today, stopped at ep 6 to write these down, and I always wonder, when does my life gonna be like that, not all but can be easily like that, like 30% ? It always happened to me, not only this but any anine that have romance type in it. I always prefer this kind of anime, since it brings many emotion, and it make me think real life sucks, and can increase the chance of me jumping down that bridge; yeah I'm not really sure that I will jump or not, but it might be, and surely, when the algorithm exam is over and I got no rewards. Still, do I even need love? It feels unnecessary, and having to care about one another, which, tired af. Being alone, can do anything I want, without caring, totally freedom, but without any person for me to talk, share some story, physical interaction, it is so obvious that I need one, but looks at these benefit when I doesn't have a girl, it make the decision hard to choose, especially the fear of loneliness, can happen because, our friends, can't stay with us forever, like right now with the third close friend, I wish it could be like this forever, but still, he need a life. How can he play with me, all the time? No one can, just no. If I doesn't die at that time, I still gonna jump at the age of 40 anyway, since, how can I have a girl and care enough about them? Even normal social interation is hard, how can I do that with my loved one? No, never will be...