punkunicorn / the-return-of-tom-thumb

A fairy tale adventure story following on from the classic "Tom Thumb and the Seven League Boots", "Little Tom Thumb" or "Hop'o My Thumb"

I CAME HERE TO WRITE CODE AND CHEW PASTURES

the-return-of-tom-thumb's Issues

Gender identification

First thing that struck me is that it seems strange that Tom wouldn’t know she was a girl. Even a 2 year old starts to identify the genders.

It's a depressing and hopeless story (first 800 words)

Tom has a hard life but later in the story things get progressively more exciting

Use a few more stronger verbs

It may benefit from stronger verbs, so for example, you say "Pushing her hand into a likely spot she felt a hard pip", but it may benefit from something like "She punched through the outer flesh of the apple".

Deepen the moment

It's very good! Although if you want it published, you'll need to deepen the moment (describe senses etc. such as sight, smell etc.

(Feedback from Felix Hatton)

Tense clash

he was cooking his standard issue rations that night.
Tense clash though, last clause lurches into present

Keep it up! (establish questions up front about what's to come in the story)

But these are just a few comments which jumped out at me. It's important (they say) to establish questions up front about what's to come in the story, and you've already managed to do that. Keep it up!

"Did you mean to be cryptic?"

Juris feedback.

I think the answer is yes

Hazel's feedback :thumbsup:

I would like an indication as to the characters emotion responses and thoughts a bit more.. Tom seemed afraid of her family but then ok with her brothers companionship to town .

Her brothers character was unknown as he didn’t interact with us or his sister and tailor that much.

But I know that’s got to wait as you’re still concentrating on the world building etc. at the moment . It’s a v impressive and enjoyable read though keep at it you’ve def got the makings of a lovely fantasy story. I want to read the finished tale.

Please don’t do a George RR Martin and take years to complete it lol. You undoubtedly have talent 👍